Death is a taboo word in America. The very word makes people cringe. It's almost like people feel like they could catch death just by talking openly about it. One reason why we fear death is because we do not talk about it openly and honestly. My Own Story
When my husband died, people would say things like, 'you are too young to be a widow,' or 'only the good die young.' I even have someone at my workplace tell me that when I used the word, 'died,' that it sounded 'cold' and 'harsh.' I told him that if I did not use the correct words that it was just sugar coating it. I felt that if I did not face the truth that I would not be able to accept the reality that my husband was not alive anymore. It was difficult enough to face the fact that he was not coming home to me, but when people said I 'lost him' or 'he passed' or 'he went home to the Lord,' it felt like there was hope somehow that he could possibly walk into the door to greet me still. I had to find a way to accept that he was not.
My husband and I spoke about death often because he was born with a defective valve in his heart. He had open heart surgery when he was 11 years old. He was a religious man and went to seminary as an adult, then became an ordained Baptist minister. He lived a life of peace and love toward everyone that he met. He tried to prepare me for the day he died and even warned me that his death would come soon. He had open heart surgery again the year before he actually died but ironically died a year later in a horrific, unavoidable accident. Gratefully, he died peacefully and painlessly, without hurting anyone else. To me though, it was a life-altering and devastating event that still affects me to this day, about 20 years later. Even only being together for about three years, the impact of this gentle being in my life was worth every bit of pain I feel today. I feel privileged to have had that small amount of time with him. Our memories together are with me every single day. He is still alive in me and always will be. This is how I continue with my life and impact others through my own experiences and growth I had with him.
Coping with Death in Other Cultures
Other cultures may have a more open view about death, which could also help them be less scared of it too. Normalizing the death process, along with celebrating the dead person's life, could help mourners of other cultures process their loss differently. Here are some examples of how other cultures cope with death of their loved ones. Keep in mind, anything to do with digging up graves would be illegal in America, but:
**Latin Americans celebrate their lost loved ones annually with, a celebration called, Dias de Los Muertos or Day of the Dead. This celebration originated several thousand years ago with the Aztec, Toltec, and other Nahua people, who considered mourning the dead disrespectful. For these pre-Hispanic cultures, death was a natural phase in life's long continuum. The dead were still considered members of the family and community, so they were kept alive in memory and spirit. During the celebration, their loved ones were thought to temporarily return to the Earth. To celebrate and welcome loved ones for two days, November 1st and 2nd, family members build alters and decorate them with colorful flowers, decorations, foods, and drinks, to welcome them from the spirit world. Most people mistakenly believe that this celebration is part of a Halloween celebration because they dress as skeletons, decorate with skulls, and is around October 31st, but has nothing to do with Halloween.
**The Indonesian Culture has a ritual is called Ma'nene, or the ceremony of cleaning corpses, which takes place in Toraja in South Sulawesi. Each year, the family digs up their relatives, by walking them back in procession to their village of origin to freshen them up by cleaning their bodies, changing them into clean, new clothes, brushing their hair, fix their coffins, then they would walk in procession back to their coffins.
**Hinduism believes in Reincarnation. I am not going to even pretend to know the complexities of the Hindu culture or belief system but can summarize the belief of reincarnation as; we live many lives and return to the earth after we die to learn more lessons through karma (what goes around, comes around) until attaining perfection and becoming Divine. You could click on the hyperlink to learn more. The gist is that reincarnation allows us to return to earth many times to keep learning. Death is the passage for us to do so, until we learn as many lessons as we need to, to reach as close to perfection as we can.
How to Cope with Death
There is not a magic cure or a right way to cope. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with five stages of grief; denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. Some of us experience all of them, some a few, some linearly, some not, some repeat steps, some don't. We are all unique so experience our loss differently. There is no timeline, so please do not compare the way you grieve with anyone else. If anyone tells you that you 'should be over it by now,' please find another support. I am still grieving after 20 years! Sometimes a smell, song, anniversary, birthday, a dream, a memory or anything else could trigger a bout of sadness. This is normal.
Other ways to help you cope through the grieving process include:
--Keep as close to your normal sleeping, eating, work schedule, and other routines as much as possible.
--Take time daily to think about your loved one by journaling, meditating, and/or praying.
--Allow yourself to remember the fun times you had together.
--Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling; happy, sad, angry, lonely, etc., because they are valid and normal feelings during the grieving process.
--Give yourself permission to spend time with family and friends, doing things you like to do. It is ok to enjoy life again.
When to Seek Help to Cope with Death
It's time to seek help when your grief is overtaking your life and you cannot function socially, at your job or within your relationships with friends and/or family.
--Most churches offer free grief support groups, even if you are not religious or part of the church that offers it. That is ok! You will be welcomed to join and participate as long as you need and/or want to participate.
--Your work's EAP and/or insurance's Behavioral Health most likely would be able to refer you to a grief counselor. You are also welcome to call me because I specialize in grief counseling. I would love to work with you!